Friday, January 8, 2016

A Life Authentic

I want want to write about my life. I want to share the truth with people. And I want to share how damn hard it is to be in the situation I am in. 

I am struggling to remain in this faith. I don't have a testimony of really anything about it at this point. I don't really have a testimony of God anymore either. So many questions that should be able to be answered by a loving Father in Heaven, his prophets, etc. but there are never answers. 

Maybe someone can answer these:

If the spirit is the testifier of all truth (1 2 3) then why does it not testify of the truthfulness of the gospel always? Is it restricted by the individual and how they are living? Is it because they are in the "mists of darkness"?

The LDS church teaches that other religions of the world contain truths. If the spirit testifies of truth, which is defined as the real facts about something, isn't it very confusing to us on earth if the spirit testifies of the truth in other religions? Why would one go searching other religions if they felt the spirit testifying to them about another religion? Why don't people feel the spirit about certain things while others do? This can be seen in just how many religions there are in the world. (Even within the LDS church, there are splinter groups - the most apparent one being the FLDS. Why do they feel the spirit about their teachings while mainstream LDS do not?

What is a blessing? Why would God, who loves all of his children, bless some and not others? Miraculous healing from terminal diseases, finding a job or a spouse, finding meaningless items in a typical day are all seen as blessings from God. What about the infant mortality rate, innocent people being murdered, and natural disasters? Are those, too, blessings in disguise?

If God is omniscient and omnipotent 1 2 ) he knows and has designed everything that is happening. He knows what each person will do in their lives and has designed it as such, has he not? If this is so, why would he let the human race run rampant and create so many different philosophies of life when only one, and I mean ONE, leads back to his eternal presence? This one way makes up less than 1% of the total population on earth. Why would he allow some people to be born in regions where Christianity, let alone mormonism, would never be considered (ex. countries where Islam is the prevalent religion). Is this really the test - for us to use our free will (that has been pre-known to God) to find the Mormon church?

I don't know. Neither does anyone else I have spoken with. I am told to read my scriptures and pray about it. If I don't get an answer, keep trying. But if I am communicating with the ultimate truth and reading pure truth in the Book of Mormon, where is the spirit's testimony of the truth to me?

For now, I am hiding the shadows of my unbelief. Temple married with a lot of active family on both side. Stuck in the church.



  1. I don't have family members in the church. But I am surrounded by die-hard believers. The only thing I still believe in is Christ and I cannot even tell you why but have since I was in my early teens. I was told to read my scriptures and pray but to me the Book of Mormon is a lovely piece of fiction and I can't even figure out who the Mormon god is. I know the stuck feeling and the depression all too well; I was a Jehovah's Witness for 10 years before I joined the LDS about 5 years ago.

    I also don't think God condemns people of other religions. Mormonism has a neat way around that with baptisms for the dead and stuff but even if it didn't I don't believe God is that hateful. Mostly I think of God as someone who wants individuals to seek him and continue seeking him if they don't find him in a particular religion he will eventually make himself known. Yeah it's simplistic but it's the best I can do for now. Like you I'm trying to sort things out, doing a slow fade from the LDS but more likely will be called in by the Bishop for disciplinary action in the near future.

    Keep blogging and I hope you are able to sort things out. Don't lose hope.

  2. I feel you. Some days are harder than others.

    Maybe. Our search for truth requires something more. Going outside the walls of comfort. Outside of my cushy leather chair. Maybe the truth that I’m looking for isn’t in my living room. Or on my knees at 2 am.

    It used to be so easy. But true growth, perhaps, is harder to come by.

  3. I made the decision to leave the church two weeks ago after a little over a month and a half of internal conflict over the Prophet's enacting of the policy forbidding minors to get baptized if they live in households with same-sex parents. God isn't so petty and arbitrary, and Jesus Christ would never disallow his followers to come unto him as they are, punishing the children living in same-sex households (and in it a punishment aimed at their parents' actions) only makes them feel isolated and unable to advance in the Church for something that they have no control over.
    In all honesty I feel really depressed now that I don't have that facet of faith to tether me to a belief that my life has meaning, but the LDS faith is spearheaded by people whom I believe to be un-Christlike, hypocritical bigots, so I'll keep searching, and I think you should too. We'll be happy someday, but that someday won't involve pretending to be people we're not. And it won't involve pretending to have faith where we have none, just to make those around us believe we wear the same stripes.

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    2. Edit: (and it is a punishment aimed...)